You Married a Narcissist! Now What?
Just Like the Others
We all know how first dates go. You agonize over what to wear, research way too many restaurants to find the perfect place to meet, and answer the same twenty questions about where you are from, what you do, and what you like. I do not know about you, but back in the day, I remember always leaving first dates with a very general impression. I’d often think to myself, “They were nice, but I can’t really tell if I liked them or not because it was exactly like all the other first dates I have been on in my life.”
Pretending to be "The One"
This is because so few of us are actually ourselves on a first date. It often takes until the second date for all the routine pleasantries to run out for you to get a true sense of a person. Then, you can see if they are really interested in what you have to say or actually planning how to steer the conversation back to themselves. What if someone could keep up the façade they present to you on the first date for many dates? Several months? A year?! What if they pretended to be someone so different from who they really are for the entire time that you have been together? It is not until after you are married you finally discover what they are really like. What do you do if you realize you are married to a narcissist?
Are You a Narcissus?
In a world of social media, when people present false versions of themselves to the public every day, it can be hard for anyone to know who someone really is. Social media has also made narcissism very mainstream. When I say narcissism, I mean the clinical personality disorder defined by Mayo Clinic as “thinking very highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior, and lacking empathy for others”. The word comes from Greek mythology. The beautiful hunter, Narcissus, fell in love with his own reflection, and was responsible for pain and destruction to his loved ones because of his self-obsession. This level of narcissism is not something we see scrolling through our newsfeeds every day.
Look For the Signs
The topic of clinical narcissism comes to mind because I know someone who recently got married by pretending to be someone they are not. They have been playing a role for years, and their poor partner has no idea what they are in for. This scenario does happen. Do you have experience with loving a narcissist? If so, how did that relationship play out? What advice might you have for others? Next time you are on a first date, I hope you look for signs that the person you are seeing is capable of thinking highly of you and themselves, enjoys admiration but does not need it to get through the day, does not believe others are inferior to them, and has empathy for all humans. Even on a mundane first date, these qualities should be present in any decent person, as long as they are being themselves.
