NO RING YET! NO SERVICE!!
Where is the Ring?
I bet you are sitting there looking down at your hand, and off into wild thoughts of the day, you will hear wedding bells ringing and the smell of fresh florals as you enter the church or your wedding venue. And suddenly you hear someone calling out your name… and back to reality
you are! Why hasn’t he put a ring on my finger yet, you keep wondering.
I bet you’re in a relationship with a great and honest man. You can’t stop thinking about all the time you have been together. When will he pop that question and put a ring on it so you can hold that hand up proudly? When will you be able to send that text message you’ve daydreamed about – the message of your life or post to social media with the perfect picture of the ring with the caption “We’re getting married!”
Let’s start breaking down the reasons here and now of why he’s not jumping through hoops to put a ring on it or give you a timeline. Regardless of what I share, you really should have that honest conversation with your loved one at the end of the day.
Breaking Down the Question
Reason number 1: He doesn’t see you as a wife or mother material.
Although you might be wildly connected in the most secure sexual way – I know ladies it’s hard to hear this and for men to admit it – but it’s very true. I have interviewed lots of men lately, and this is the top answer that was given to me. At the end of the day, a man doesn’t want to marry the “pretend slut” you act like when you’re in bed together or how you dress in the club. Wow, I know you’re reading this and saying ‘did she just say that?!’ Yes, yes, I did! And it makes me sound old as heck, but it’s just the most honest answer out there.
Reason number 2: Pressure + Pressure = Not on His Time and Not in this Moment
All men do not respond well to timelines and pressure. I see and hear this often and recently have listened to single men say this line: “I feel pressured right now, and I honestly don’t know when I will be popping the ultimate life question either for the first time or again…” Men want to feel strong, empowered, and in charge most of the time. It’s just the way it goes. The man must feel he is making the decision and it must be the right time, the right place, and the right moment to make that decision. If this is a second marriage proposal, it can take even longer until they have confirmed their heart is healed and ready to take the next step. It doesn’t matter how long ago the breakup was, or who left who. They need to feel secure in their own mind and heart.
Breaking Down the Question
Reason number 3: Childhood Drama
Is he a Negative Nancy, Debbie Downer, or a Whining Willy? He could possibly have a traumatic childhood story or have certain feelings around marriage and divorce. This could be limiting his creativity or desire to believe that marriage can be a beautiful thing. He could have watched his parents’ bad divorce when he was younger, and it created a destructive belief about what marriage can mean and look like. If this is the case, when talking to each other about marriage, this should be a conversation had early in the relationship. But if you haven’t had it yet, do so now. He may need to seek guidance and therapy from a behavioral health professional to help him. All you can do is be supportive and understanding to the best you can. If he feels safe opening up to you about this, that is good, but don’t attack or blame him. He needs to feel this conversation is okay to have, but, at the same time don’t settle or put your dreams aside. Ask yourself this question: can you commit full time to this devotion of waiting until he is ready? Also, what if he never reaches that point of “being ready”? Are you okay with all that time lost for you and what could have been a different outcome or life for you? If you don’t think you can give a full commitment of patience to do this, don’t brush it aside and think it’s going to change overnight. Remember, people must change on their own, we can’t do it for them. They must do it for themselves.
Reason number 4: A Man and His Finances
If a man is not financially secure, then he can’t marry you and protect you. The stress one takes on to be responsible for one, two or a house of five can be overwhelming. And yes, women can also be the bread winners of the family. However, men still want to know they can provide for their spouse or family at the end of the day. A man always wants to take care of his lady and provide for the ones they love. Remember ladies, if he isn’t worried or isn’t taking care of you and isn’t helping pay for things now while you’re dating or show you signs of love and commitment, then you need to leave now. Don’t just walk out of that house, run!
Happiness, Next Exit
Reason number 5: Is he pulling his best Peter Pan Syndrome?
According to betterhealth.com, Peter Pan Syndrome is when adult men don’t want to mature. They don’t take on their current age responsibilities. Although it’s not listed in the diagnostic manual, it can present itself in different forms and ways. The typical sufferer is a man who does not want to enter adult life. They may not work or take any responsibilities, and they desire everyone around them to support them. While at the same time, they are still running around and playing the bar hoping game. They have a hard time committing to a relationship and taking it to the next level of marriage.
Final thoughts: For those of you ladies in waiting… I say this to you as a friend. Unless you are totally fine in this game of waiting, do not expect anything else and any time to quickly change. Make him work just as hard as you are working at being patient. Remember, it’s a two-way street – not a one lane highway where he decides to move in and out of traffic and when to exit the highway. You are just as much in the driver seat as he is. So, stop letting him call the directions of how this relationship goes or when he is going to put a ring on that finger. He knows the directions to his life and how he feels already, so start asking the hard questions on how you will meet in the middle of the road. And if it doesn’t work out at the end of the day, well, it’s time for you to find a new direction and make sure all roads lead to you and your next mate being together, not just a one lane highway.
